Tuesday, November 17, 2009

"Time to murder and create"

The voice in my head chides me regularly:
  • Why did you trust her? You should’ve known better.
  • Hey dummy, why don't you keep that thought to yourself.
  • Is this a game of how many was-es and thats you can fit on a page?
The voice is smart, snarky, and quick. When it goes off on me, which is often, I get a taste of all the hurt I’ve laid on others over the years in the name of being funny. I can be a real bitch, but I’m working on it.

In my lifelong quest for inner peace, I’ve been reading a lot of hippie new-age stuff--I read everything--and this one hippie in particular recommends talking to your anger, finding out why it’s so, well, angry.

My anger rolls her eyes when I approach. She taps her foot impatiently and asks, “What now?”

But I walk right up to her and ask, "Whats your damage, Heather?"

The rest is personal, so I won’t go into it. I mean, it’s embarrassing, and even though my anger is kind of a bitch, I don’t want to sell her out. I’m trying to teach her about trusting people and being nicer, especially to me—so I lead by example.

Here she comes again, yapping about my low nano word count.

There will be time, there will be time…” I tell her, and get this—she smiles. She remembers college when we used to skip class to sit around our dorm smoking cigarettes and reading poetry out loud with passionate inflection. She remembers writing 600 poems in the style of "Prufrock" because we couldn’t get that haunting voice out of our head--and how all that useless, horrible writing made us the wordsmith we are today.

These days, me and my anger are tight, yo. Still, she leaned in close this morning and said, “Staring into the distance is cool, but it’s November 17, and I really want to know what you-know-who is going to do about you-know-what. If you don’t start writing that scene, we’ll never know.”

And my anger is totally right, although I’m glad she’s found a nicer way to express herself.

Describe your inner voice. Give it an adjective, and tell me about it in the comments. If it’s a negative adjective, have a conversation with your inner voice. The world has enough mean people. Be nice to yourself.


  1. Thich Nhat Hanh says to make friends with your feelings--fear, anger, whatever. Greet them with mindfulness. His books, Peace is Everystep and Anger are two of my favorites.

    My inner voice? I'll have to think about that. It feels all over the place, hopeful but sometimes not. Just depends on my mental space.
    Thanks for a thought provoking post.

  2. Ohh... loves this!
    My inner voice is lazy and critical and definitely negative. It always notices my failures and shortcomings, but hardly ever my accomplisments. We'll need to have a talk about that.

  3. It depends on the day (you know this). Sometimes my inner voice is hopeful--it tells me I can do anything and that I WILL do whatever I want to do in lift. And some days it's critical and cranky and it hates everything I try to do. I'm thankful for the good days.